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Posts Tagged ‘self-doubt’

Second-Guessing Game

October 1st, 2009

Does this sound at all familiar to you? This is me, talking to me, inside my head:

• My head hurts.
• Oh, it’s 5:00, I’m supposed to leave in 20 minutes to meet J for a farewell drink, maybe this pain will just go away.
• My head hurts.
• I hate to miss J, this is my last chance to see her before she moves away, my head’s not bad, could be just a twinge, maybe it will pass…
• I had a Migraine last night and I haven’t felt fully recovered all day. It’s probably recurring. I should take a triptan now.
• If I take the triptan I definitely can’t go out. This is just minor pain. I can probably still go if I just ignore it.
• Don’t be ridiculous! You need to work tomorrow more than you need to see J tonight!
• Okay, I’m staying home. I’ll call J and say goodbye and I’ll write her a nice note – but I’m not taking a triptan because I took one yesterday and I keep getting head pain in the evenings – I might need one later in the week.

So I stayed in and didn’t take the triptan – and about 10 my head was pounding and I felt nauseous. At that point I took the triptan, and some anti-nausea meds, and tried to go to sleep. I slept badly, with pain in my head nearly all night. I kept waking and checking the clock to see if 2 hours had gone by so I could take another triptan. Then I slept a bit longer and woke after 2, still in lots of pain, and took the second dose. Slept fitfully and around 5 noticed that the pain had let up a good bit. Woke with the alarm at 7.

• I’m supposed to be in court at 9:30 – should I go?
• My head still hurts and I shouldn’t be driving.
• It hardly hurts at all and it might be all gone in a few hours, maybe I could get a ride.
• This Migraine is not 100% gone and I could easily re-trigger it, especially since I had one the day before – I need to break out of this cycle and not keep provoking it.
• People are counting on me to be there. It’s too late to find someone to stand in for me. I’ll be messing up a lot of people’s schedules.
• If you’re sick, you’re sick. If you had the flu they wouldn’t expect you to come to court.
• This isn’t the flu – it’s not that clear-cut; I might be just fine once I get going.
• The stress of having to perform and be coherent when your brain is recovering is going to make it more likely that you get another Migraine, or continue this one.
• I can’t easily make up the money I would be making today – no one gives me paid sick time, and we need what I can earn!
• If you make yourself sicker you’ll miss more days, and miss more opportunities to earn.

So I called the court and told them I was ill and could not come in. I went back to sleep and woke up a few hours later, to this:

• I probably could have done it… other people do it…

I’m not sure they ever shut up, those voices in our heads. But here I am, several hours later, head still hurting, trying to make what I can of the day. Just a Migraineur, intermittently impaired, working around it the best I can.

– Megan

Tags: internal dialogue, migraine, self care, self-doubt, triptans
Posted in Musings | Comments (14)