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Posts Tagged ‘migraine’

Friday + Migraine = Frigraine

January 11th, 2008

Early warning system for frigraine – tightness around the temples starting 4:30 p.m. The “ohmigod
my desk is such a mess” in the throat coupled with the “waddanidiot I wasted so much time this week” in the stomach. The compulsive need to do tedious, detail-oriented, eye-straining tasks starting at 4:45 and continuing until well past the promised stopping time of 5:30. Dragging the reluctant body from the messy desk and going into the house. Looking
at the kitchen which somehow never gets cleaned on Friday mornings and plunging
in to the dishes. Picture a furrowed brow. Feel the aching neck and shoulders. Hear the doorbell ring. Have no surprise at the arrival of the Frigraine.

I used to go out on Friday nights. I used to work longer hours, in a higher stress job, and go out on Friday nights. I used to leave my desk, whatever state it was in, with some regret but a good deal of relief, and go to the movies, dinner, dancing. Thank God it’s Friday lets party! Okay, truth be told, I used to be 20 something, single, then newly married, and childless. I used to work at a steady job for a salary, rather than being – gulp – an entrepreneur, with a big mortgage and college looming in less than two years. Oh, and I used to get a migraine maybe once a year, a sinus infection or two each winter, and had never heard of
chronic fatigue. Nobody had. Dang new-fangled diseases. Who sez I ever wanted to be so up-to-date?

So, here I am, nearing 50, with multiple chronic conditions. Feh! Am I gonna to turn into one of those old people who just talks about her medical crap? I’m just warming up – let me tell you about my sciatica! No, but seriously – it’s boring. I bore myself. I don’t need to go out dancing every Friday – I’d settle for a nice walk, dinner out, dinner in, hanging and talking with my guy. I’d even settle for the dirty kitchen, just without the frigraine! I
like cleaning up the kitchen to some good r&b – but not when all the overhead lights are drilling into my eyes and every drum-beat is inside my skull.

Something tells me I just need to take Fridays off! Four day work week, anyone? Now yer talking!

– Megan Oltman

Hurting now.  Took the meds, Fingers crossed.

open door courtesy of Emdot – marya
dirty dishes courtesy of Easternblot – eva

Tags: anxiety, migraine, work stress
Posted in Managing | Comments (2)

Our ancestress – a fable

January 10th, 2008

Back in prehistory, in hunter-gatherer days, imagine the dangers faced by a tribe of cave-dwellers. There were saber-tooth cats, cave bears, cave lions, cave-ins, earthquakes, floods, not to mention the dangers inherent in any group of humans living together in close quarters – the dangers of disagreement, of in-fighting and division, breaking the group apart. Such a tribe would need to work as a unit to survive, putting the good of the group above that of individuals, having a role for each group member to play.

Imagine, in such a society, the value of a highly sensitive individual. An individual whose nervous system was very finely tuned, perceptive of danger, aware of undercurrents. An individual who could function efficiently under high levels of stress, at least for a short time. Such an individual could serve as the tribe’s early warning system. Feeling the tremors first, perhaps, grabbing the children out of the way of the predator, warning tribal leaders of undercurrents of division among the group. Sometimes she saw visions, light and color, patterns and pictures only she could see. Imagine that such an individual would be highly valued, would have status, might even be a preferred mate and therefore be more likely to reproduce to hand down her sensitivity to later generations.

She was the one with the migraine brain. And when the crisis passed, her nervous system would let down not with a sigh, but with a crashing, pounding, nauseating headache. With blinding pain, light and sound sensitivity. What use was the migraine to the group, let alone the individual? None at all. Evolutionary traits often carry consequences – the useful sensitivity comes with a tendency to break down when tolerance limits are passed. Migraine is a side-effect of a highly sensitive nervous system. But while the migraine itself did not serve the group, the individual with the migraine brain did, and so we imagine she was cared for, not cast aside as disabled and weak, but nurtured through her crisis, as she had supported the tribe through its crisis.

We are her descendents, and our migraine brains are the same as hers was, all those millennia ago. We are highly sensitive, often artistic, intuitive, perceptive of others’ feelings. We generally function well under stress or in a crisis, to a point.  We handle a high degree of stress and go into hyper-drive, accomplishing great things, to a point. But our world is very different from that of our ancestress. We rarely face a saber-toothed cat or a danger of that magnitude. But we face a world of unremitting stimulation, information, noise, flashing light, increasing demands on our time, our brains, our emotions. We face a constant high level of stress. Human brains are not suited to cope with life in the 21^st century, especially not migraine brains.

– Megan Oltman

Making Rain out of Migraine

lightning image courtesy of Ian Boggs

Tags: evolution, migraine, Migraine brain, sensitive nervous system
Posted in Musings | Comments (5)

From my bed of discontent

January 7th, 2008

This is my journal of living with chronic illness.  Trying to live well, to live a purposeful life, with chronic illness, since I don’t get the choice of living it without!

Journal entry from August 22, 1995 – “This is my fifth sinus infection since last November or December. It must be a dust problem; the house isn’t clean enough and I can’t seem to find the time to really keep it clean. The piles of things to do, literal and figurative, collect enough dust to keep me sick. But now the front of my face feels like it could explode and all I want is chocolate.” That was when Adam, my youngest, was 6 months old, my in-laws, Marika – 6 weeks dead, Walter – 3 months dead. Five sinus infections during that pregnancy and post-partum, through those deaths and mourning.  Sinuses dripping along with the tears we shed.  I’d say that was the start of the chronic sinus journey. 12 1/2 years ago.  I had a baby and a four year old, a law practice I hated, a bereaved husband, and life felt way out of control.

I remember the first time the sinus pain hit – I was 13.  Bronchitis, pneumonitis, those were my common issues then, and into my 20’s.  When the front of my face started burning that evening, riding the train home from a play in NY, I remember thinking that sinus problems sounded like a very grown-up ailment.  Anything for distinction.  Dramatic child!

I don’t remember the first migraine – the first one I recognized as a migraine already felt familiar, like something I’d felt before.  A couple of big ones in my late 20’s, then one or two a year until I turned 43.  Then they became the ominous background chorus to the soundtrack of my life, the music threatens, looms, builds, then the crescendo!  The year I turned 43 I had 2 or 3 migraines a week.

Today I am writing from my bed of pain – well, not too much pain today but writing from my bed of discomfort doesn’t have the same ring to it. How about, writing from my comfortable bed of discomfort and discontent? Now we are edging closer to the truth. The bed is very comfortable. My sinuses are full of ache and pressure. My head is only a little dizzy if I’m propped up in bed – more if I sit or stand, a lot if I sit or stand for more than a few minutes. I don’t have a migraine, for 8 days now, hooray! The migraine beast lurks around my temples, ready to move in if I give it a chance, boohoo!

And as for discontent – I am discontented. Downright disgusted. After all I’ve done to beat this… after all I do to manage it… after 12 years of recurring illness.  No treatment, no respite.  I’ve had enough! Thanks, done my time. Ready for my parole. Hello? Anybody listening? Where is my parole officer, anyway?

I wonder how I can coach and advise people about living powerful lives when I am under the power of some recurrent infection in some cavities in my head. I keep thinking if I was really powerful I would stop having sinus infections and migraine attacks. (And irritable bowel attacks, and fatigue, and allergies, and medication sensitivities, and while I’m at it I’d stop being nearly 49 and start being 25 again. Oh Yeah! That would be power.) And so I live with this conundrum every time.  But it’s a false dichotomy.

As far as I can tell, here’s how it actually goes:

Being a powerful person without these chronic conditions may not be available to me.

Being a powerful person with these chronic conditions is available to me.

What does being a powerful person with migraine disease and recurrent sinus infections (and all) look like?

Like assembling all the information I can get about my conditions, and the best treatment plan I can, and accepting that the best treatment plan is a moving target.

Like staying connected with people when I am sick, and reaching out for support. Taking all my supplements and medications and resting when I am sick, no matter how much I wish I didn’t need to. Doing what I can to move my work forward, right here, from bed. This involves a real honest look, sometimes it involves checking with someone else if I can’t think it through myself. What can I do, without endangering my recovery? Lucky for me, I have a lot of writing to do today. I can do that right here, in bed.

It’s 6pm and my head is worse than earlier.  The stink-bugs are coming out of hiding, buzzing around the lamps in the room.  Never had them in the house before this year – and in January!  Frickin’ global warming! If they make me jump and squeal I’ll get that headache for sure, the one that’s threatening.  Stink-bugs must be accomplices of the migraine beast.

Fighting the good fight, against the beast, the bugs & the Martians.  Good luck to you in yours.

– Megan

Megan Oltman

Tags: Adam Oltman Porcher, Adam Porcher, chronic illness, migraine
Posted in Communicating, Managing | Comments (1)