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Posts Tagged ‘appreciation’

Do I have migraines, or do they have me?

January 26th, 2008

(or – I wish there was another word for sorry!)

I work with people with chronic conditions, and we talk about this – do I have the disease, or does the disease have me?  I also work with small business owners and I ask them – “do you have the business, or does the business have you?” Maybe having a business is a form of chronic disease. If so I’ve got another one to add to my list! But I digress…

My buddies on the mymigraineconnection forum were having a discussion today about apologizing for the effects of our migraines. I think we’re in agreement that there are a couple of meanings of the word “sorry.” One is to apologize, but another is to say “I feel for you” or “I am sad that you feel that way.” When someone experiences the death of a loved one we say “I am sorry for your loss,” but we don’t mean that we are feeling personally responsible for the death. I think English needs another word for sorry!

The famous quote from Erich Segal’s Love Story is “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I’ve always had a hard time with that line, but I don’t think Segal meant that we can do whatever we like to those we love without acknowledgement. I think he meant that forgiveness is part of loving someone. And even if we can expect forgiveness from those we love, love still needs to be nurtured and watered and fed, like any living thing, or it can wither. I think part of how we nurture and feed those we love is to acknowledge the pain they feel for our pain, the huge help they are for us, the disappointment, inconvenience and extra work our disease causes. So if I say “I’m sorry” when my husband brings me up a meal on a tray, or when I have to ask my son not to play drums right now, or I can’t take my daughter out shopping, what I really mean is “this disease stinks. I wish I didn’t have it and I wish I didn’t have to ask you these things.”

In Emotional Intelligence author Daniel Goleman talks about the ability to stand back from our emotions and observe them. This ability is what gives us some perspective, some emotional intelligence – when we can “count to 10” instead of reacting right away, we have some power over what we feel. So to tie this in with feeling sorry, maybe when we say “I’m sorry,” when someone brings us a glass of water, we’re separating ourselves from the migraine disease – we’re saying “I am not my disease. I have migraines but they don’t have me. I wish I didn’t have them – but there is a me here, completely separate from the disease, who regrets the trouble and sorrow the disease brings.”

My heart goes out to those in constant pain, in part because of this – the more pain, the more constant, the harder it is to keep that healthy perspective. When I can remember that I am not the migraine, the migraine doesn’t have me, that’s when I can take back my life.

– Megan Oltman

With enormous love and gratitude for Danny, Rachel, Adam, Mom & Dad, my siblings and in-laws and the many other family members and friends who bring me glasses of water, literal and figurative.

Lunch tray courtesy of Wordridden/Jessica
Glass of water courtesy of Venkane/Nevena

Tags: acknowledgement, apology, appreciation, Communicating
Posted in Communicating, Managing, Tips & Techniques | Comments (3)