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Staying out of the Spotlight

July 22nd, 2009

It’s very uncomfortable to suddenly have one’s vulnerabilities become center stage. I had an odd experience this week. I haven’t met many Migraineurs yet who actually want their illness to be center stage. We want to be understood, we want support and empathy and help where we need it, but not generally to be fussed over and be the center of attention because of our disease. At least, that’s my impression of the many many Migraineurs I have met! Do you agree?

A few nights ago I had a parents’ meeting to attend for a program my kids are involved in.  I’m currently on vacation in a conference center, and the space found for the parents’ meeting was the stage of the auditorium, where they had set up a circle of chairs and turned on all the stage lights.  I stepped onto the stage and in every direction there was a spotlight pointed straight into my eyes. I edged my way around for a bit, trying to find some safe angle, but the lights were just everywhere. As often happens in the face of a trigger like that, I got disoriented. I couldn’t figure out whether to stay or go. I can’t imagine what I must have looked like, staggering around the stage. My husband was there and he kind of guided me to a chair, and sat on the floor in front of me.  I bent my head down onto his back, threw the hood of my sweatshirt over my head and eyes and asked if they could turn the lights down. Someone said they were trying to dim the lights.

Now at this point my face was hidden in my husband’s back, I felt dizzy and disoriented, and I didn’t know if my voice was loud or muffled.  I was worrying about how strange I looked. The woman next to me said something sympathetic and handed me a booklet to further shade my eyes. I thanked her and said, “I’m sorry to seem so dramatic, but those lights will trigger me into a Migraine in no time flat.”

Apparently it wasn’t easy to dim the lights because the meeting started with them still on. My kind neighbor called out, “turn out those lights, we have someone with Migraine problems here!” Several people made suggestions about where else I should sit, and I answered, without picking up my head, “No, then the lights from over there are in my eyes.” My voice sounded whiny and desperate to me.  So, they turned out the lights.

This story is not about other people not understanding. I don’t know whether the people in that meeting understood or not. Whether they understoood or not, they were very caring and responsive. The whole meeting sat in the dusk so that I would not have lights in my eyes. This story is about how mortified I felt to have my vulnerability, my weakness, my Achilles heel, my Kryptonite, right up there, center stage, under the spotlights, for everyone to see.

I worried what everyone thought. Did they think I was being dramatic? Were some of the other people there sitting in judgment, annoyed at sitting in the dark, wishing I would just go away? Did I sound as whiny to others as I felt to myself?

Interestingly, I had a chance to talk about the meeting with one of the other parents the next day (it was a very good meeting, by the way), and I made some comment about having made everyone sit in the dark. She looked confused, and then said, “Oh, was it you with the hood over your head?” So obviously, I was not remembered for that! I guess I won’t go down in history here as the drama queen who made them sit in the dark because I SAID the lights would give me a Migraine!

But tell me, why is it so hard to let people see I am less than perfect?

– Megan

Tags: migraine, Migraine triggers, spotlights, vulnerability
Posted in Communicating, Musings | Comments (8)