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Archive for the ‘Musings’ Category

Happy Independence Day!

July 3rd, 2008

I’ll be at the beach tomorrow with my shades and big hat, so I wish you a Happy Independence Day in advance.  I wish you independence from pain, from fear and from worry!

Here’s a 4th of July garden for you, with red & white impatiens and blue & white hydrangea, and some cool shade and warm sun.

Enjoy!
– Megan

Tags: garden, independence, pain
Posted in Musings | Comments (1)

My Migraine Story

May 30th, 2008

What’s your Migraine story?  We all have one (all of us with Migraine disease, anyway).  Having a sensitive nervous system sets us apart from the majority of people around us, and we all go through a process of realizing or coming to terms with that.  With what it means to us and with how it impacts us.  That process  and story have become clearer to me as I have entered the on-line Migraine community, in this curious role of migraine blogger.

I have worked as a coach for many years now, helping people set goals, make choices, and live powerful lives, both in personal and business contexts.  In the course of that work I have had to make many accommodations to my Migraine disease, my chronic fatigue syndrome, and my recurrent sinusitis (to name the major culprits).  I have had the privilege of helping a number of other people with chronic conditions figure out how to structure their lives, businesses and careers so they can live fully despite their illnesses.  The moment of truth for me came when I realized, about 7 months ago, that my chronic illnesses are not just an impediment in my life.  They are an opportunity to share my professional tools and skills, and the wisdom I have accumulated, to help others manage their lives with Migraine.  I was already doing it, but I had one of those moments where perception shifts, and I saw that this could be a major focus for me.  Call it an epiphany, an aha, or a moment of madness, but here I am.

In my own journey it’s not a bad thing to be looking at my life through the lens of Migraine disease.  I am not interested in having that be all that defines me, but it is dangerous to ignore it.  I have questioned a lot
how my life might have been different without this condition.  I approach this question now after nearly a half-century of life.

I’ve had migraines since at least my teens. I don’t remember the first, but at 17 after
surgery at Montefiore Hospital in the Bronx (that’s another story), leaving the hospital we drove past the Montefiore Headache Center and I thought “Wow, someone actually treats headaches? Someday, maybe soon, I’ll have to go there.” So I’m guessing I had migraines before 17.  Certainly, the first few I remember clearly, in my mid-twenties, I was already calling them migraines.  I could distinguish the headaches with nausea, vomiting, and nearly unbearable sensitivity to light and sound, from the regular, run of the mill headaches.

In retrospect, migraines have had a big impact on my life and my choices, even though they didn’t become frequent for me until my early forties. The biggest impact in my earlier years was on my career. I
completed law school and went to work at a big Wall Street firm. Everyone who knew me was surprised by that choice, but for me it was important to prove I could succeed in a high prestige, high pressure
world. I proved it for two years and left. In the meantime I had some doozies – vomiting in the gutter in NYC became a familiar shame in my life. I would have told you at the time that my migraines were triggered by stress.  But in retrospect, those moments of high stress came with sleep disturbances (pulling all-nighters to get a brief finished or prep for court), excess caffeine, and the poor eating that went along with them. I went into the less pressured environment of a legal services office, and migraines became less frequent, until after my first child was born. Then I had the new pressure of juggling baby and child care, parenthood, chronic lack of sleep, with part-time legal work. Oh, and let me tell you about part-time legal
work. Part time in the law is like 80+ hours this week and none for the next 2 weeks, not like “I’ll work Monday, Wednesday and Friday when I have child care!” A set up for stress, exhaustion, a frantic life.  By our mid-thirties we had two kids, a house, a yard, a mortgage, and one of us (me) got sick a lot.

I left the practice of law a decade ago and began doing work that I could structure in a way that worked in my life.  Writing and coaching.  Doing that work while making sure that I slept enough, ate right, used meditation as a regular practice.  I made those career and lifestyle changes just in time to develop anaphylactic allergies to pain-killers; just in time to have a sudden increase in my migraine frequency from a few a year to a few a week.

To tell you the whole story would require a book.  I’ll let you know when I’ve gotten it written.  The main thing I am looking at today is who I am – as a migraineur, yes, and as me, who is much more than just this disease.  I have always thought of myself as tough.  You can laugh if you want.  Yes, I’m rather small and soft, not particularly athletic, and I’m not a mean person (though I can be sarcastic).  There’s a mental toughness, though, a determination to keep going, to build, to create.  And on the other side of that, I have to accept my delicacy.  We are sensitive, we migraineurs.  Sensitive to our environments.  Vulnerable to odd things that don’t bother other people.  I can’t seem to change the fact that I get sick a lot.

For a working symbol, I’m going to use my Iris.  They are profoundly rich and beautiful.  They do bruise and wilt easily.  They need to be fed, watered and cared for.  But they keep coming back, and growing, taking more ground.  They are a connection to the splendor of life.

What’s your Migraine story?

– Megan

Tags: chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic illness, life coaching, lifestyle, Migraine disease
Posted in Medicine, Musings | Comments (2)

Coming Out of the Migraine Closet

April 18th, 2008

When someone comes out of the closet, they take a stand, and they take a risk. For centuries, gay and lesbian people hid their identities in order to survive. Then a few people said “no more.” Decided to risk public censure, job loss, jail, so that things could change. And things have changed. Dramatically. There is still risk involved in coming out as a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transsexual person, significant risk, but there has also been a significant change in our society around this issue.

Are we willing to “come out” as migraineurs? Are we willing to tell people we have Migraine disease? To stop complaining about lack of understanding and take a stand, educate people? Are we willing to stand up and be counted – “I’m one too!” – and change the face and the perception of this disease? I thank the GLBT movement for an extremely useful analogy.

Sometimes we need to vent about how people see our condition as “Just a Headache” or “All in Your Head.” I have done my share of ranting on this point. We don’t want to have to educate people. It’s really not fair to have all this pain and have to explain it as well! (Do you hear your Mom’s/Dad’s voice in your head, like I do, saying “but life’s not fair!”) I also know it’s hard to show up as someone with a disease. A diseased person. A disabled person. A limited person. We don’t want the world perceiving us this way. Perhaps more significantly, we don’t want to think of ourselves this way.

Diseased, disabled, limited – these are common, automatic perceptions of those with visible illnesses. Being “in the closet” is not an option with a visible illness. Here again, the amazing and courageous movement for the rights of disabled people has changed public perception. The acceptance and accommodation of those who are differently-abled has come a long way, though there is still much further to go.

The blessing and curse of invisible illness is that it is invisible. No one can look at me and see that I have Migraine disease. If they are very perceptive, they might see that something is wrong if I’m in the midst of a migraine. No one can look at me and see that I have chronic fatigue. Sometimes they can see that I look very tired. No one can look at me and see that I have chronic sinus infections. Sometimes they can hear my hoarseness or congestion.

I think we all know what the curse of invisibility is. People do not understand our pain. They sometimes belittle it. Our employers may not accommodate us. Public events are not set up to make it easy for us to be there. Our dearly loved friends and family may think we are avoiding them, shirking responsibility, failing them. In a larger sense, invisibility means our diseases are under-funded, under-researched, medications are inadequate and specialists too few.

So what’s the blessing? When our disease is invisible, we can keep trying to show up as “normal.” We can avoid having potentially unpleasant conversations. We can avoid pity and put-downs. Of course, it’s a mixed blessing because people do see that something is wrong. I suspect some of the put-downs come from people seeing something is wrong but not knowing what it is. I think I’d rather be seen as someone with a chronic illness that interrupts my life, than as a messy flake who can’t be counted on to show up!

We need to remember that we migraineurs are 12% of the population. 12 out of every 100 people. 3 out of every 25! Whoever you are talking to, chances are they know many, many migraineurs besides you! Even more significantly, according to some estimates, 40% of Americans have some kind of chronic, invisible illness. Whoever you are talking to, they have people very close to them with invisible illness!

Lately I have been way out of the closet as a migraineur. I am in this public forum, all over the web with my real name, as a migraineur. I have gone to my business contacts and talked to them about the  work I am doing as a Migraine management coach – and telling them that has involved sharing something of my personal story. I am someone with chronic illness who has built a business around my illness. I help others build workable lives around their illnesses. I can’t do that while hiding who I am.

These days when I show up at my business networking meetings, people ask me, with great concern, “how ARE you?” I told an associate recently, “feeling great today!” He breathed a little sigh of relief and asked “So your migraines are all gone?” (Hey, wouldn’t that be nice?) He wanted me to be better! It’s the kind of reaction I’ve been avoiding for years. “No,” I said, “it’s a chronic disease. It’s the way my nervous system is made. I wish they were all gone. But today I’m feeling great!”  He nodded, I shrugged, and we went on to talk about something else.

A few months ago I couldn’t have had that conversation. For now, I keep showing up, assuming that people are not malicious, they are just uninformed. And I inform them. Gently, and as appropriate. They ask me what I’m doing these days and I tell them I’m focusing on helping people with Migraine, people like me.

So hey, migraineurs, are you willing to come out and play, out here with me, out of the closet? I’d love to have your company. We can change public perception. We can create a world more responsive to our needs, more accepting of who we are.

– Megan Oltman

Don’t forget your sunglasses, it’s bright out here!

Closet image courtesy of Matthew Blank

ADA Road to Freedom image courtesy of Jay Wilson

Cave exit image courtesy of David Wilmot

Tags: Advocacy, Americans with Disabilities Act, Coming out, disability, invisible illness, Migraine disease, migraineurs
Posted in Advocacy, Communicating, Musings | Comments (7)

Coping, hoping, moping and other strategies

April 11th, 2008

I had a couple of posts on coping with migraine that I thought would work fine for this month’s blog carnival, but I couldn’t resist doing some on-the-job research.  Yesterday I had a splendid set of opportunities to get a migraine, followed by an opportunity to cope.

It went like this:  First, to create the desired research environment:

1.  Sleep badly.
2.  Rush through getting ready and go out in rush hour traffic to coffee with a business associate.  Choose the hip, cool, NOISY coffee shop.
3.  Stay in the coffee shop for 2 hours afterwards doing professional reading with the noise battering your ear drums.
4.  Step out into the gorgeous Spring day with the Bradford pears in full bloom along the street (they are very pretty and I am allergic to them.)  Sneeze a lot.
5.  Lead a seminar over lunch.  Have the attendees show up late so your lunch is late.  Get ravenous before eating.  Then have an intensive seminar on a challenging topic, that you have never led before.
6.  Back at the office, discover a major error in your publication that will cost you money you can’t afford.
7.  Receive worrisome news about someone.
8.  Cry.

There.  A near perfect research environment.  The only surprise was that the migraine pain was mild, and didn’t begin until about 6 pm.

And on to the coping:

1.  Unsure yet whether it’s a “real  one” or just a tension headache, take the mild and mainly ineffective pain-dullers available to an allergic person like me.  (Endorphigen  D-Phenylalanine supplement and Magnesium Choline Trisalycylic acid).  Drink a lot of water (16 oz or so).

2.  Take a fifteen minute gentle walk.  This will usually clear a tension headache for me.

3.  When these don’t impact the head pain, eat a light dinner.  I cannot take my triptans on an empty stomach, as the ache and pressure in my trunk from the triptan will make me nauseous on an empty stomach.

4.  Take the blessed and cursed Imitrex.  (Blessed for usually halting the migraine, cursed for making my head go all stupid, making my whole body ache, and intestinal ickiness.)

From here on in, it’s all about comfort.

5.  Receive hugs from husband and any offspring so inclined as to offer them.

6.  Hug kitty-cat who will probably not come snuggle on the bed.  (He comes once in awhile.  But generally considers our bed to be the territory of elder cat who died 7 years ago.  Can’t convince him otherwise.)

7.  Lie down on comfy bed.  Lights low.  Soothing adobe-orange walls. Many pillows. And my stuffed animals.

Wally is the perfect size to hug.

Pepito is very soft and exact holding-in-hand size.

Willy the Wooly Mammoth is really Danny’s, but I borrow him for my other hand (he’s my favorite but don’t tell).

7.  Buckwheat filled eye-mask can be cooled in the freezer, blocks the light, and puts a soft comforting pressure on my eyes.

8.  Husband or offspring checks on me after an hour or two, usually bringing cups of tea and medicinal dark chocolate.

9.  Gentle comedy on the tv goes a long way.

10.  Sleep.

– Megan
There’s got to be a morning after.

Tags: comfort measures, migraine treatments, Migraine triggers
Posted in Managing, Musings | Comments (8)

It’s 8 PM and I’m not Exhausted!

April 8th, 2008

Well, it may be a little bitty success but it’s certainly making me happy. I have been so exhausted lately, with many migraines spawned by it. Some nights I’ve been literally shaking by 8 or 9 pm – as if I had just climbed a mountain.  Sleepy doesn’t describe it.  This is deep down muscle achy bone-weary exhausted. Some days I’m like that by 4.  For 3 years I’ve been describing myself as recovered from chronic fatigue.  Lately I haven’t been so sure.

Today I was more energetic in the morning than I’ve been in at least a month. Had a good productive morning of work.  I got sleepy and fatigued after lunch but decided to take a walk instead of a nap. I figured maybe it would help and if it didn’t, I could always take the nap when I got back.  And whaddaya know it worked! I felt really wiped out in the first five minutes of the walk but twenty minutes later I felt awake and energetic! I got to enjoy the pretty spring day in the field!  (No, the dogwood’s not blooming yet.  That’s last year.)

I worked some more this afternoon, and took my son to his drum lesson.  Danny had a meeting to go out to in the evening and I actually made dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, had a nice dinner with the kids, all without collapsing. This is huge. And not one little twinge of head pain, none!

Maybe the latest hormone adjustment my doctor gave me for the chronic fatigue is actually working. Could happen!  He’s had me on phosphorylated serine/ethanolamine for adrenal support.  Sorry I can only find links selling it, not links describing how it works.  As I understand it my cortisol levels were too high in the afternoon, and the supplement helps bring them down to normal.  CDC (Centers for Disease Control) notes a correlation between abnormalities in production and release of cortisol and chronic fatigue.  CDC does not go so far as to say that hormonal supplementation is effective.  But hey, the supplement says it’s for adrenal support.  I guess my adrenals appreciate the support.

– Megan Oltman

I’m lying down now but I may just get crazy and fold the laundry!  Woohoo, we’re living large now!

Tags: chronic fatigue syndrome, cortisol
Posted in Musings | Comments (3)

Migraineurs – You are in famous company!

March 9th, 2008

In the Chicago Sun-Times this morning, a list of presidential letters which will be auctioned by Sotheby’s next month includes:

• • Thomas Jefferson reporting on his debilitating monthlong migraine headache and George
Washington’s failing health.

Sometimes it just helps me to remember that people have suffered from this disease throughout history – and some of them achieved amazing things nonetheless – and with none of the treatment options we have – still it couldn’t have hurt to have lots of money, and slaves.  How much harder it must have been to be a working-class, or enslaved, migraineur.  (Hmm, maybe things aren’t so different now after all.)

– Megan Oltman

Jefferson Memorial photo courtesy of chadh

Tags: migraineurs, Thomas Jefferson
Posted in Current Affairs, Musings | Comments (1)

It’s a Migraine, my friends

March 6th, 2008

Does Migraine negatively impact friendships?  You’d think so, wouldn’t you?  I’ve certainly changed more plans due to Migraine than anything else.  On the other hand, life, getting married, being an adult, being out of school, having a job, and having a family, can all impact friendships.  Add Migraine or other chronic illness to that list, and it’s the icing on the cake.

I must say all my friends seem to be quite understanding of my need to cancel plans, or the long gaps when I’m not in touch.  They are concerned and loving when I share with them about my struggles with Migraine.  I think,though, that I’ve already gotten them trained not to expect too much from me!  The best I can say about that is that none of them are all that great at being in touch either!  Which at least takes the edge off my guilt feelings.

My best time for friendships was the last two years of high school and the four years of college.  Law school wasn’t half bad either.  And my first few years of work, before getting married.  I was in a fun and stimulating environment, with a lot of people my age, sharing a common experience.  The first inkling of
change came when I fell in love, and my friend Kathe said, “We won’t be seeing much of you for a while.”  I vowed it would not be so, but sure enough – if you’re spending lots of wonderful delicious time with one person, you can’t spend as much of it with your friends. 24 hours in a day, right?  (Here’s me and Kathe in college.)

And then the pressures of a career close in.  And if you have kids – forget the next 10 years at least!  Then you leave the city where everyone was a subway ride away and you move to where you have to drive to get anywhere, where everyone’s more spread out, everyone has oodles of plans with their own
kids, and the people nearby aren’t always the ones you’d most want to hang out with.

But this was supposed to be about Migraine.  My migraines increased steadily at the same time these other life pressures increased.  Life threw some more things my way – the terminal illnesses and deaths of my in-laws, the long recovery from grief in my own household, my sinus problems, severe allergies, career changes for Danny and me both.  There have always been dear friends who I can call and cry to, or laugh with.  Sometimes I wonder how they could stand my repeated tales of woe.  As my migraines increased, time spent with friends decreased.

I just don’t see my friends, or talk to them, enough.  I miss them.  I’ve been missing them for over 20 years.  And I know Migraine has made it harder – much harder, for me to make new friends.  On one famous occasion Danny and I had an outdoor brunch at a trendy place with a couple we really liked – and I managed not to puke in the gutter until we were crossing the street back to their apartment.  We never socialized with them again!  Coincidence?

Year before last one of my best friends from High School, Laura, was ordained as an Episcopal deacon.  I flew out to Chicago for her ordination, meeting up with two more of our closest High School friends.  I endured long flight delays due to thunder storms, a noisy hotel, and lack of sleep.  Had a wonderful day
at the ceremony and party with Laura and her family, and David and Vick.  My migraine didn’t hit until I was out to dinner with David and Vick, head down on the table, unable to eat any of the expensive gourmet food I had just ordered.  They took me back to my hotel and took care of me.  They were angels.  But it was not how I had wanted to spend the time with them!  (The picture is from Laura’s ordination party – me & my High School buds, 29 years after graduation!)

Life is hard enough on our relationships.  We don’t need Migraine on top of it all, making it harder.  I just try to keep sharing, keep calling, keep trying to make plans.  And when I do talk to my friends, I feel so much better.

– Megan Oltman
Friends do make life worth living!

Tags: chronic illness, chronic migraine, friendship
Posted in Musings | Comments (2)

Snow and Hope

February 22nd, 2008

Our kids are out of school for a snow day today. It’s the first all year, and I don’t think we had even one last year. I wonder why a snow day makes me feel so hopeful?

Maybe it’s something visual – take a look at the view off my icy deck.

Snow is not as much fun as it was when I was a kid. I still have to worry about getting my work done to earn a living. I have to cope with clearing it off the walks and driveway. I have to cope with driving in it.  But I have always loved snow, and I still do, despite all the adult hassles it brings. Especially when it’s a novelty. I love waking up in the muted bluish light of a snowy morning, from the deep soft sleep the snow always brings. It must be the extra negative ions that make me sleep so well. But rational explanations aside, it just feels like snow magic.

One snowfall does not herald the end of global warming, but it makes the winter feel right, instead of off. If it’s going to be cold, it might as well snow. My overburdened migraine mind appreciates the peace and quiet, the way the day is simplified. (Shovel, cancel appointments, shovel, get warm, take kid to sledding hill, throw snowballs at dog.) I like the exercise of the shoveling. A good workout. I didn’t get enough sleep and may need a nap to ward off a migraine – lack of sleep is one of my surest triggers. But I know I’ll nap well on a snowy day!

I notice that the aches and pains index on weather.com seems to be low when it’s snowing.  Barometric pressure changes trigger migraines for many of us – so I wonder if the pressure is very steady while it’s snowing. I remember learning in Earth Science in high school that low pressure makes us hurt – because the pressure inside our bodies isn’t balanced by the pressure outside!  Are snowy days high pressure days?  Any meteorologists out there want to chime in?

Here is the big yellow doofus in the big white snow. Isn’t she cute?

Wherever you are, whatever your weather, I hope it’s treating you well.

– Megan

How can I do serious work on a snow day?

Tags: high atmospheric pressure, hope, snow, weather triggers
Posted in Musings | Comments (3)

The Migraine Life – Waking up into it

February 19th, 2008

My eyes are not open yet. The alarm is calling with its insistent “nature sounds.” Supposed to be a spring breeze; it sounds like a blistering gale. I crack an eyelid, reach and press the snooze. Do I still have a migraine? Not sure yet but I know I don’t want to wake up.

Danny rolls over. “Needa lilmor sleep,” I mumble. Opening my mouth and enunciating would be a mistake. I catch the elusive tails of my dream – something about books and a cat. Drift into vagueness. Ten minutes passes like no time. More roaring wind. I reach to turn it off, eyes still closed. Danny gets up. I roll onto my back, checking. Crick in the neck. Roll the head gently on the neck. Body is okay. Little point of pain lodged over the left temple. Tiny. Like a bad little seed. “You should have taken the Imitrex last night,” I chide myself. But I don’t know. There is no absolute answer.

Sun is pouring in around the edges of the blinds. The covers are warm. My husband is cheerful. He is wishing me good morning. I am stretching gently, still unsure. If I move will the seed grow? I have slept enough, but should I be getting up? Should my responsibilities be pulling me into the day? Should my fear of the next migraine pull me back to bed? Where do good sense and balance lie?  I don’t know the answer. But I know I want to get up, I want to get to my good work, I want to live my life. I stand and start my stretches. Pain seed
does not go away, but neither does it grow. Still dormant. I move into my day.

Will I have to reset the migraine ticker? What will I write in my migraine diary? Maybe the pain will leave entirely. It may stay; it may or may not grow. I will get down on the floor and stretch. I will take all my supplements and medications. I will try very hard to eat right. I will meditate before work. I will plan my day and stick as best I can to my plan. I will take a walk, pray and let go of fear and anxiety. Ten minutes at a time, or an hour, or a day. Let me appreciate each moment without pain.

– Megan Oltman

“How are you feeling?” “Okay.” “Just okay?” “Okay is not bad, I’ll take it.”

Tags: managing life with migraine, migraine, post-drome
Posted in Musings | Comments (2)

It’s Not Me, it’s the Migraine Talking

February 10th, 2008

I have been back on track with practicing my relaxation routine this past week and I was going to write you a nice inspiring post about that. I was on a 13 day migraine free run and feeling pretty good about it. Yesterday the beast sank its claws in again and hasn’t let go yet. I feel like all the inspiration has been sucked right out of me. But that’s just the migraine talking.

I resent the arrival of a migraine on the weekend, stealing my weekend time away. On the other had there’s less anxiety with a weekend migraine as I am not missing work – not missing things crucial to my livelihood. Just missing my down time, my marriage time, my family time, my fun time, my get the house in order time. Well, I guess I’m not missing down time, actually, because I am down!

Lying around. Watching tv, reading when I can stand the light, hanging out on line, drinking lots of cups of tea my sweetie brings, enjoying the comfort of my bed, receiving periodic visits from the family, with hugs and snippets of conversation. It’s not really all that bad, for down time.  That was me talking.

Then I can’t stand the inactivity any more. I decide to sit up and be okay, and I start folding laundry or some such ridiculously strenuous task. The pounding returns and the nausea starts back up. Danny comes in to watch a movie with me and we try to talk about plans for next weekend, and it strikes me what I am missing, how uncertain my life is. And I start to cry. Knowing that crying can make the migraine worse, I try to stop myself.  I remember how accepting I have been in the past month, and I start beating myself up for not being accepting right now. That’s the migraine talking!

Serotonin levels drop during migraine attack. I imagine the migraine slurping up my serotonin. So of course I’m going to feel unhappy. Aside from the pain itself, which is not happiness inducing, it’s hard to feel happy without serotonin. So I use what I can to comfort myself – hugs and tea and toast with honey, dark chocolate (when the stomach can stand it) and gentle movies, puzzles and pillows and good books. If I can concentrate at all, I come and write to you here, and that helps me remember who I am, that I am not the migraine, that it is what it is, that this too shall pass.

– Megan Oltman
Moderate migraine, day 2, hoping for relief soon

Oh, yes that’s Arizona again – Spider Woman Rock in Canyon de Chelly.  I didn’t have a migraine for that part.  Down below is New Mexico – the sunset over Albuquerque from Sandia Peak.

Tags: depression, relaxation practice, serotonin, weekend migraine
Posted in Communicating, Managing, Musings | Comments (2)